A Letter To My Unborn Child On Your Due Date October, 7, 2015

A Letter To My Unborn Child:

My dearest, sweetest baby,

Today my heart aches with a profoundly deep pain. It hurts worse than it normally does. See today is your due date. Today is the day your father and I were supposed to see you with our own eyes. Today was meant to be a day of celebration and joy. But it's not.

I still remember the moment I found out about you. Oh, how I instantly loved you! I remember going for walks with my hand lightly resting on my belly as I talked to you. I wondered how you would look. Would you have my wild hair and your father's hazel eyes? You would definitely be tall and probably have blonde hair. I told you how much I love you. I loved you fiercely. I loved you from a place I had been preparing for years and didn't even really realize it. Even though you completely surprised me, I instantly become a mom. You were a part of this family. We instantly fantasized about what you would look like. We made plans for how we needed to do Thanksgiving and Christmas. Every day I was filled to the brim with joy. I couldn't contain it!

The moment I heard your heartbeat...that was the moment. To see you jumping around in my womb made me beam with pride. I heard your little heart beating so strong inside of me. Our hearts were beating together. Even then my body was nourishing you. It was the most beautiful symphony I have ever heard in my entire life. No two instruments on the face of this planet could ever replicate the music that rang through my soul and echoed into my life that day.

But the song was a short one. For reasons I imagine I'll never know, the song stopped, and the Conductor took you home. I remember that day too. The day I rushed to the emergency room desperate to have someone reassure me I was just fine. I was frantic as the truth sank deep into the pit of my gut. I knew I was losing you, and I couldn't do anything. I hated myself for that. I hated my body for failing you. I blamed myself. I was sure I had done something. I realize that's probably not the truth, but it was hard to tell my head that. But don't worry, your daddy took very good care of me. He was perfect.

You, dear child, were loved. You were held every single moment of your life. You never knew cold or loneliness. You never were afraid. You never got your heart broken. You never knew how cruel the world can be. And the first person you saw when you opened your tiny little eyes was the face of Jesus. And I have to believe He smiled at you, picked you up and cradled you softly in His arms. I may not get to meet you today like I thought I was supposed to, so I hope against all hope that He is holding you until I get to.

I love you with all of my broken heart,

Your mother